I have some really exciting news about stories and me and books and publishing things to share and I will, I promise, soon.
But meanwhile, I was having a conversation with a friend today about words and love and meanings and so I asked them if they had a current good working definition of love. Which immediately led me to wonder if I myself did. And because I’m reading Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet right now, which everyone should read, IMMEDIATELY and OFTEN, I had just come across a good one so I went in search of others I’ve liked.
So anyway here’s my top 5 definitions of love:
5. Tom Stoppard
“It’s to do with knowing and being known…Knowledge of each other, not of the flesh but through the flesh, knowledge of self, the real him, the real her, in extremis, the mask slipped from the face. Every other version of oneself is on offer to the public. We share our vivacity, grief, sulks, anger, joy… we hand it out to anybody who happens to be standing around, to friends and family with a momentary sense of indecency perhaps, to strangers without hesitation. Our lovers share us with the passing trade. But in pairs we insist that we give ourselves to each other. What selves? What’s left? What else is there that hasn’t been dealt out like a deck of cards? Carnal knowledge. Personal, final, uncompromised. Knowing, being known. I revere that. Having that is being rich, you can be generous about what’s shared — she walks, she talks, she laughs, she lends a sympathetic ear, she kicks off her shoes and dances on the tables, she’s everybody’s and it don’t mean a thing, let them eat cake; knowledge is something else, the undealt card, and while it’s held it makes you free-and-easy and nice to know, and when it’s gone everything is pain.”
4. Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
3. Pablo Neruda – One Hundred Love Sonnets -XVII (Translated by Mark Eilsner)
“There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.”
“Love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over, and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate — ?), it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world for himself for another’s sake, it is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things…Merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for [the young] (who must save and gather for a long, long time still), [it] is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives as yet scarcely suffice.”
BONUS: this poster.